Each time I think about "why I haven't blogged", I write a great post in my head... it's wonderful, insightful... but then when I finally log in, I sit in stare at a blank screen for awhile, tyring to remember the amazing post.... but nothing. Then is slowly reappears...but it's never as fabulous as it was in my head. I guess that's what happens to most of us... our dreams are better than reality... girls dreaming about prom, their wedding day, marriage, children.... life.
My emotions are threatening to spill over today. I know it's because I'm extremely hormonal today. I've let a few tears flow...but I always seem to stop them... God forbid if I feel anything.
I know I need to make some changes in my life that has been so stagnant for 4 years. I've been shutting people out of my life...making excuses in which I'm am so outstanding! I just don't feel like me... or maybe I feel too much like the old me, that I'm too embarrassed to be around people who knew the "new" me... or worse...knows both. I don't even feel like "Queen" anymore. The pretty face is bloated and feeling old.
What have I done to myself...again. Or more accurate...why? The million dollar question that seems to never be answered. I let myself become my old self again...and I hate it...disgusted...so much so that I feel so buried and don't know how to get out... even though I've done it before. I just don't seem to have the energy. I know writing this is a step in the right direction.
I've had some changes handed to me. I wasn't happy about it and I'm still adjusting, but I know in the long run, it will benefit me...force me to focus on myself again. I did reapply to take some classes...something I haven't done in 4 years. I'm excited to exercise my brain again. Now, I need to exercise my body.
Priorities can be forced upon you...but it's so much better when you can make your own list...especially when you are a control freak. I guess when you hide or become indifferent that what happens.
Time to get the shovel, get myself out of this dark hole and grab a pen and paper... I'm making a list!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
In the Mood...
Where did it go? I want to know? I'm trying to figure it out. I've checked the Lost and Found, but it's not there.
No, it's not about sex, although... what I lost does have a negative impact on sex... or at least my desire to have sex.
I'm trying to figure out what exactly motivated me to lose weight over 10 years ago. I had it...kept it for a few years, but now for the life of me I can't find it.
God had a lot to do with it when I began to lose weight... He also had a lot to do with my weight gain (I'll explain my theory later).
My divorce and subsequent failed relationships (plural..yes!) all provided me with motivation. But I don't plan on getting married and divorced anytime soon, or get a boyfriend to break up with me just so I can find motivation again.
I thought, instead of having another failed relationship, if I re-read the journal entries from those painful times, maybe I can find the motivation. Nope, just made me cry, and I ate.
They say music can bring back certain feelings, so I have been listening to music from the late 90's early 2000's, hoping to find it. I'm so glad NKOTBSB are touring!
I've rarely been off of any type of appetite suppressants... so that's not the motivation... It just keeps me from eating more than I am now;
Maybe if I combine the diet pill with Atkins or Sugar Busters diet that worked in the past... but I can't bear to eat all of the meat and cheese again. Not to mention the lactose intolerance I've developed over the past ten years... so that is definitely NOT a motivation!
This past week, I've had two separate experiences that reminded me of the past. One was a reunion of sorts with my best friend and her ex-husband, the couple that introduced me to my ex-husband. Seeing them together was weird... no, it was disturbing. I had a very, VERY brief moment thinking about my ex... then I began to nauseous.... Being nauseous does a body good... at least I didn't have the desire to eat!
The second experience was about two of my one-time close friends who were going through their divorces at the same time. We used to hit the clubs... partied, sexed it up... We describe this time as "our crazy time". Those are long behind us. Both have remarried. One I keep in contact with, but not frequently as we used to, and the other, well, let's just say, she hasn't spoken to either one of us in almost 5 years. Well these women met for dinner over the weekend and the one woman who I have kept in contact with, called to tell me about it and told me to expect a phone call/email from her... eventually. Whether she calls or not, or if I am the one to reach out as I have been tempted to do so in the past, it got me thinking about those "crazy times"... Dancing...men.... sex... all motivation to keep losing weight.
I believe it was that motivation that was my downfall. While God gave me the strength to begin the weight loss journey, the devil took control. I think God said "Listen here Missy... You may have such a pretty face, but your mind and body are doing things that I don't approve...so let's just add 50 lbs back on you and start all over again!"
So here I am God... I'm in the mood.... for Your Grace. I promise to try and get it right this time!
No, it's not about sex, although... what I lost does have a negative impact on sex... or at least my desire to have sex.
I'm trying to figure out what exactly motivated me to lose weight over 10 years ago. I had it...kept it for a few years, but now for the life of me I can't find it.
God had a lot to do with it when I began to lose weight... He also had a lot to do with my weight gain (I'll explain my theory later).
My divorce and subsequent failed relationships (plural..yes!) all provided me with motivation. But I don't plan on getting married and divorced anytime soon, or get a boyfriend to break up with me just so I can find motivation again.
I thought, instead of having another failed relationship, if I re-read the journal entries from those painful times, maybe I can find the motivation. Nope, just made me cry, and I ate.
They say music can bring back certain feelings, so I have been listening to music from the late 90's early 2000's, hoping to find it. I'm so glad NKOTBSB are touring!
I've rarely been off of any type of appetite suppressants... so that's not the motivation... It just keeps me from eating more than I am now;
Maybe if I combine the diet pill with Atkins or Sugar Busters diet that worked in the past... but I can't bear to eat all of the meat and cheese again. Not to mention the lactose intolerance I've developed over the past ten years... so that is definitely NOT a motivation!
This past week, I've had two separate experiences that reminded me of the past. One was a reunion of sorts with my best friend and her ex-husband, the couple that introduced me to my ex-husband. Seeing them together was weird... no, it was disturbing. I had a very, VERY brief moment thinking about my ex... then I began to nauseous.... Being nauseous does a body good... at least I didn't have the desire to eat!
The second experience was about two of my one-time close friends who were going through their divorces at the same time. We used to hit the clubs... partied, sexed it up... We describe this time as "our crazy time". Those are long behind us. Both have remarried. One I keep in contact with, but not frequently as we used to, and the other, well, let's just say, she hasn't spoken to either one of us in almost 5 years. Well these women met for dinner over the weekend and the one woman who I have kept in contact with, called to tell me about it and told me to expect a phone call/email from her... eventually. Whether she calls or not, or if I am the one to reach out as I have been tempted to do so in the past, it got me thinking about those "crazy times"... Dancing...men.... sex... all motivation to keep losing weight.
I believe it was that motivation that was my downfall. While God gave me the strength to begin the weight loss journey, the devil took control. I think God said "Listen here Missy... You may have such a pretty face, but your mind and body are doing things that I don't approve...so let's just add 50 lbs back on you and start all over again!"
So here I am God... I'm in the mood.... for Your Grace. I promise to try and get it right this time!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Smooth.....
I shaved yesterday.... Not just my armpits, but my legs (including my big toe) AND my girly parts.
Why is this significant? Well, I don't know about you, but when my weight is up, I don't take care of anything below my pits. I'll get my hair cut/colored, eyebrows groomed, do my make-up...and of course, shave my pits. Yes, I wash my entire body because I'm not that gross, and I lotion up after bathing, but I do it quickly, not spending time to carefully rub it in to my skin.
I don't want to look at my body, and since I don't want to look at it, I'm certainly not going to let someone else look at it. Therefore, I don't need to shave. I'm too big for any of my skirts and I don't wear dresses, so I don't need to shave. I can't afford pedicures, so I don't need to shave. I haven't had sex in forever, so I don't need to shave.
I used to shave everyday... EVERYDAY. I loved my fit body. My legs looked great in skirts. I got pedicures every other week and I was having sex...all the time. I kept myself in a GTF state. When going on a date with someone new, my friends and I would ask the question... "Did you shave?" If we didn't want to let the night turn into a walk of shame the next morning, we didn't shave. I think we secretly all shaved...even when we said we didn't.
While shopping with my daughter last weekend, I realized just how long it had been since I last shaved. I was wearing jeans and began feeling a tug that with each step got more and more painful and I could do nothing about it until I made it to the bathroom. My pubes had gotten so out of control they were getting caught between my undies and jeans!
So yesterday, I took out a new razor and began shaving. It took a long time...because I took my time. I had to use scissors to trim the length of my bush... but now it's all neat and tidy again.
I have to learn to let go of my disgust over my body. It is what is is and hating myself isn't going to provide the right, long-lasting motivation to change it. Ignoring my body, isn't making it go away or making it smaller. Paying attention to it and treating it well just might be the spark I need to get the fire burning again... in all areas!
So here's to keeping it smooth......
Why is this significant? Well, I don't know about you, but when my weight is up, I don't take care of anything below my pits. I'll get my hair cut/colored, eyebrows groomed, do my make-up...and of course, shave my pits. Yes, I wash my entire body because I'm not that gross, and I lotion up after bathing, but I do it quickly, not spending time to carefully rub it in to my skin.
I don't want to look at my body, and since I don't want to look at it, I'm certainly not going to let someone else look at it. Therefore, I don't need to shave. I'm too big for any of my skirts and I don't wear dresses, so I don't need to shave. I can't afford pedicures, so I don't need to shave. I haven't had sex in forever, so I don't need to shave.
I used to shave everyday... EVERYDAY. I loved my fit body. My legs looked great in skirts. I got pedicures every other week and I was having sex...all the time. I kept myself in a GTF state. When going on a date with someone new, my friends and I would ask the question... "Did you shave?" If we didn't want to let the night turn into a walk of shame the next morning, we didn't shave. I think we secretly all shaved...even when we said we didn't.
While shopping with my daughter last weekend, I realized just how long it had been since I last shaved. I was wearing jeans and began feeling a tug that with each step got more and more painful and I could do nothing about it until I made it to the bathroom. My pubes had gotten so out of control they were getting caught between my undies and jeans!
So yesterday, I took out a new razor and began shaving. It took a long time...because I took my time. I had to use scissors to trim the length of my bush... but now it's all neat and tidy again.
I have to learn to let go of my disgust over my body. It is what is is and hating myself isn't going to provide the right, long-lasting motivation to change it. Ignoring my body, isn't making it go away or making it smaller. Paying attention to it and treating it well just might be the spark I need to get the fire burning again... in all areas!
So here's to keeping it smooth......
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Brain Fart and Facing Fears
I couldn't remember my password. It seems to be happening more and more. I try to keep the same password for just about every account...from email, bills, Facebook, etc. but for some reason I forget and generate a variation and next thing I know, I can't remember which variation I'm using.
So the past few days have not been the best for dieting. First, my daughter's birthday and the 72 cupcakes with butter cream frosting... homemade thank you very much... I ate so much frosting that I'm pretty sure my poo with be royal blue anytime soon!
Then I broke one of my front teeth. I'm terrified of the dentist, so much so that my teeth are in horrible condition despite having decent dental insurance that I pay for monthly, yet rarely use. My fear is so bad, that I'm embarrassed to say, I have rarely taken my daughter. I know, I know, bad mom, but thankfully, she doesn't have any cavities. Vanity (i.e. broken front tooth as opposed to cracked molars that are not seen) is what made me grit my teeth and go see a dentist. Actually, I faced some of my fear last month when my daughter needed to have a wisdom tooth pulled. It's not just the pain that I'm afraid of, it's also the cost. They send in the car salesman, otherwise know as "dental health coordinator" to try to up sale their products that of course are not covered by insurance and then makes you feel like crap when you say no... I had one lady tell my "well then you get what you paid for!" Another snot told me, in the midst of my divorce and struggle to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head: "I'll put the 8 veneers (at $800/ea) in your treatment plan even though I know you won't get them." Word of caution... always... ALWAYS obtain the procedure codes and verify costs with your insurance BEFORE receiving the treatment. They were going to charge me $250 for extract the wisdom tooth. They didn't like that I called them on the carpet. I fortunately have a new dental office and I was very pleased when I went in yesterday. Yes, I have a lot of work that needs to be done, but I am proud that I faced it and getting the work done. I have 2 temporary crowns on my front teeth (the other was in equally bad shape) and they filled cavities on the other 4 top teeth, that in the past would have cost me a lot because at that time it was considered cosmetic to replace the existing fillings. Guess my fear of the dentist save me some money! I'll ease into the other work in the coming months. And I promise to take my daughter in too... she needs braces and I don't want her to have them on when she takes her senior pictures in a few years.
So despite the dental work, I still managed to eat my way through some of the remaining birthday party snacks. I must learn to not put food in mouth when fear strikes...or stress...or boredom...
On top of these two issue, I had a shortage of funds the week before her birthday. I screwed up my checkbook and had bills that had to be paid. So I had to charge some of them. Add the $280 in dental work yesterday, the $205 cheer sweats for my daughter that is due by March...ugh! Oh yeah... I haven't been getting child support for 2 years because my ex has been unemployed...yes, I know I have rights and I've been nice trying to keep the peace...but I'm done being nice. He can afford to pay something since he has no house payment and gets $1900 a month in unemployment. I downloaded the court paperwork, the sh*t is going to hit the fan.
My goals for this year... eat healthier, exercise, get on top of my finances, and get my teeth healthy. I have a lot on my plate... I just need to make sure I leave some of food on it and not put it in my mouth!
So the past few days have not been the best for dieting. First, my daughter's birthday and the 72 cupcakes with butter cream frosting... homemade thank you very much... I ate so much frosting that I'm pretty sure my poo with be royal blue anytime soon!
Then I broke one of my front teeth. I'm terrified of the dentist, so much so that my teeth are in horrible condition despite having decent dental insurance that I pay for monthly, yet rarely use. My fear is so bad, that I'm embarrassed to say, I have rarely taken my daughter. I know, I know, bad mom, but thankfully, she doesn't have any cavities. Vanity (i.e. broken front tooth as opposed to cracked molars that are not seen) is what made me grit my teeth and go see a dentist. Actually, I faced some of my fear last month when my daughter needed to have a wisdom tooth pulled. It's not just the pain that I'm afraid of, it's also the cost. They send in the car salesman, otherwise know as "dental health coordinator" to try to up sale their products that of course are not covered by insurance and then makes you feel like crap when you say no... I had one lady tell my "well then you get what you paid for!" Another snot told me, in the midst of my divorce and struggle to keep a roof over mine and my daughter's head: "I'll put the 8 veneers (at $800/ea) in your treatment plan even though I know you won't get them." Word of caution... always... ALWAYS obtain the procedure codes and verify costs with your insurance BEFORE receiving the treatment. They were going to charge me $250 for extract the wisdom tooth. They didn't like that I called them on the carpet. I fortunately have a new dental office and I was very pleased when I went in yesterday. Yes, I have a lot of work that needs to be done, but I am proud that I faced it and getting the work done. I have 2 temporary crowns on my front teeth (the other was in equally bad shape) and they filled cavities on the other 4 top teeth, that in the past would have cost me a lot because at that time it was considered cosmetic to replace the existing fillings. Guess my fear of the dentist save me some money! I'll ease into the other work in the coming months. And I promise to take my daughter in too... she needs braces and I don't want her to have them on when she takes her senior pictures in a few years.
So despite the dental work, I still managed to eat my way through some of the remaining birthday party snacks. I must learn to not put food in mouth when fear strikes...or stress...or boredom...
On top of these two issue, I had a shortage of funds the week before her birthday. I screwed up my checkbook and had bills that had to be paid. So I had to charge some of them. Add the $280 in dental work yesterday, the $205 cheer sweats for my daughter that is due by March...ugh! Oh yeah... I haven't been getting child support for 2 years because my ex has been unemployed...yes, I know I have rights and I've been nice trying to keep the peace...but I'm done being nice. He can afford to pay something since he has no house payment and gets $1900 a month in unemployment. I downloaded the court paperwork, the sh*t is going to hit the fan.
My goals for this year... eat healthier, exercise, get on top of my finances, and get my teeth healthy. I have a lot on my plate... I just need to make sure I leave some of food on it and not put it in my mouth!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Take That!
Ok... so the first day back to work in 2011 and what do they have scheduled? A Potluck! A freaking potluck! Are you kidding me? Why? Don't they know it's the first real day for diets? Apparently not... I didn't partake in the festivities. I kept thinking about how I did not want to negate the workout I did last night and have all the pain I'm feeling be for nothing! Not to mention how unappetizing it is to have food sitting out since 8am waiting to be eaten at 12pm. Although.... food poisoning would be a great way to lose some weight! So I stuck with my salad.
I came home and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, but didn't do Kettleworx. I need the extra day in between workouts for muscle recovery. I'll work up to doing it everyday. I do need to get rid of the mixed nuts... said that before, yet several handfuls made it into my mouth tonight. I need to remember to brush, floss and rinse my teeth after eating dinner so I'm not tempted to eat.
So my next post, I'll layout my goal and reasons why I chose this goal this year. So take that diet saboteurs... potluck... not so much!
I came home and walked on the treadmill for 30 minutes, but didn't do Kettleworx. I need the extra day in between workouts for muscle recovery. I'll work up to doing it everyday. I do need to get rid of the mixed nuts... said that before, yet several handfuls made it into my mouth tonight. I need to remember to brush, floss and rinse my teeth after eating dinner so I'm not tempted to eat.
So my next post, I'll layout my goal and reasons why I chose this goal this year. So take that diet saboteurs... potluck... not so much!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Cliche
So it's 2011... 1/2/11 to be exact. I'd thought it would be too cliche to start writing again yesterday. Actually, I was just too tired. Seems to be my MO lately. I'm in a rut....bored with my life and tired of making excuses for it.
I had an opportunity to go on a road trip for New Year's Eve...spontaneous is not me lately. So I made the excuse that I was not feeling well...which I wasn't, but not bad enough to stay in bed. So what did I do... sat on the couch watch, Back to the Future and BTTF2, had a drink, smoked several cigarettes, watched the ball drop at midnight, a promptly went to bed.... alone.
I'm not exactly alone... I have a daughter who'll turn 15 Friday, and two cats, a several awesome friends. Still, I don't have a man...not that I want one right now... but I don't even feel the "hope" of having a man.
It's the typical reason most women feel the way I do... I got fat... again. I have no clothes cute enough for travel...let alone a date. I feel and look like crap. So as I typically do this time of year, I resolve to get my shit together and get my life back.
I bought Kettleworx yesterday, and today, my daughter and I popped in the first dvd. It kicked our butts. My legs feel like jello. I kept my eating in check except for the mixed nuts which I must get rid because I can't stop a just a serving. I hope I can get out of bed in the morning! But I vow to do it again tomorrow and walk on my treadmill.
So here I am... again. No more excuses. It's a new year and it's time to get Back to the Future!
Cheers!
I had an opportunity to go on a road trip for New Year's Eve...spontaneous is not me lately. So I made the excuse that I was not feeling well...which I wasn't, but not bad enough to stay in bed. So what did I do... sat on the couch watch, Back to the Future and BTTF2, had a drink, smoked several cigarettes, watched the ball drop at midnight, a promptly went to bed.... alone.
I'm not exactly alone... I have a daughter who'll turn 15 Friday, and two cats, a several awesome friends. Still, I don't have a man...not that I want one right now... but I don't even feel the "hope" of having a man.
It's the typical reason most women feel the way I do... I got fat... again. I have no clothes cute enough for travel...let alone a date. I feel and look like crap. So as I typically do this time of year, I resolve to get my shit together and get my life back.
I bought Kettleworx yesterday, and today, my daughter and I popped in the first dvd. It kicked our butts. My legs feel like jello. I kept my eating in check except for the mixed nuts which I must get rid because I can't stop a just a serving. I hope I can get out of bed in the morning! But I vow to do it again tomorrow and walk on my treadmill.
So here I am... again. No more excuses. It's a new year and it's time to get Back to the Future!
Cheers!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
What Happen Was...
So why no blogging for 9 mos?
Well, besides the whole avoidance of dealing with my feelings, I was going through stressful situations...most of which I had no control over (which really pisses off control freaks like me) and one self-imposed stresser... of course!
Right around the time I broke my resolution, I received word that my mammogram (which was the last appointment on New Year's Eve... what was I thinking?) came back "abnormal." But I don't FEEL anything!
Ok...stay calm...it WAS New Year's Eve and MAYBE the technician was already imbibing and blurred my films. So in February, I went back for a spot compression. If you think mammos hurt... OMG! I thought my boob was going to explode all over the sympathetic yet pain-inflicting tech. She pulled so much of me in to the machine that my feet were practically off the floor! A few weeks later I receive a letter that my spot compression came back "suspicious." Really I can't FEEL a THING!
Breathing...deeply....
Now it's March, and I'm lying on a bed, in a dark room, having my booby massaged with a cold, slimy, instrument. The tech avoids all eye contact with me and speaks not a word until she says, "Excuse me for a moment while I go get another tech. I need another set of eyes to see if she sees what I'm seeing."
WHAT?
I'm sneak a peek at the ultrasound, trying to see what she is seeing and I can't make out a thing... looked just like the ultrasound I had when I was 5-months pregnant. The techs come back and began quietly whispering to each other. Then the first tech touches my bare shoulder and says, "I'm all through... Have a nice day."
Like that was going to happen...NOW!
I obsessed analyzing her words, tone, and body language... and I was making myself nuts! Two weeks go by, figuring no news is good news, I began to relax a little. Then the letter came saying that my ultra-sound came back as "worrisome"!
Let's review shall we... abnormal, suspicious, now worrisome? PLUS...now there are TWO masses that are "worrisome"! WTF?
I was scheduled for a stereo tactic core biopsy for the following week. I'm terrified. The night before the biopsy I was researching all I could...reading all the symptoms of breast cancer and freaking out. Note: DO NOT DO THIS! Unless you have been diagnosed with a condition or disease, forgo the quest for knowledge. You will believe you have every symptom in the book! I was sobbing so much that I thought I was going to short circuit the keyboard!
Now if you've never had this type of biopsy, then let me give you the scoop... there's just gotta be a different way to complete this procedure! NOTE: DO NOT CANCEL YOUR BIOPSY IF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU FREAKS YOU THE HELL OUT! JUST GO HAVE IT DONE. I SURVIVED IT AND SO CAN YOU!
I arrive at the hospital, check-in, and sit in the waiting room with my parents because they refused to let me go by myself. I'm sitting there looking at other women... wondering if they are feeling the same fear as me. Then this beautiful woman with no hair came in and sat down. I didn't want to stare at her, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking "this could be me" soon. What if? Could I handle this? What about my little girl? But there was something about this woman... so brave! She didn't have the same scared look on her face as some of the others. She knew what she was dealing with and looked like she was determined to kick the cancer's ASS! I pray she does... She doesn't know it, but her brave image and God is what got me through the procedure that day.
The nurse, JoAnn, a tiny but feisty nurse, called me back. I have another ultrasound. Then the nurse tapes 2 metal markers on my boob and walks me over to the "smash" machine for yet another mammo. She then takes me to the room where the doctor will perform the biopsy. What I found strange was that the bed was way up high... but why?
So the doctor who is young enough for me to be his teenage momma, came in and reviewed the films. I inquired about the 3 circled areas. He responded "Oh yes, we found another mass (I SAID I DON'T FEEL A THING!)... it's up to you whether you want to undergo 3 biopsies in one day." He says the most he's ever done is 4 in one day. Well shoot, if someone can handle 4 why the hell couldn't I handle 3?
Ummm yeah... I am strong...hear me.... yell out in pain!
So then the nurse pulls up a step ladder and tells me to climb up, expose my boob and then let it fall through the hole in the table. I must of had a confused look on my face, trying to figure out how the hell they were going to reach my boob through the hole. I'm in between an A and B cup! She said "Don't worry honey, gravity will pull it down. Just lay down on your tummy and I'll do the rest." So I make the climb, lay down with my head resting on a folded sheet...right arm above my head and the left at my side.
Ok, you have to get a mental picture of this bed. Think of a car up on a lift and a mechanic working on it below. Hmmm... if were a car... what would I be?
The nurse is short enough so she doesn't have to duck. She then grabs my boob and pulls it down...
HEY! LET THE GRAVITY DO ITS THANG DAMMIT!
What she failed to tell me is that not only will gravity pull my booby down, it's also going to be imprisoned the entire time in the "smash" machine! I can't move AT ALL! Nor do I want to because while I'm lying there a computer is collecting data so it can guide the needle to the masses. I don't want the data to be wrong and have the needle miss its targets! The data collection takes about 2o minutes. Next the doctor comes in and gives me a shot to numb my breast. Then the computer begins poking me and I can feel little pinches as the needle extracts tissue samples. This takes about 10-15 minutes. Then the doctor says Ok... I think..Yay me! That wasn't too bad!
Well let me tell you where my thinking was wrong! The doc says "Let's move on to the next mass.
WHAAAAAT!
So the procedure starts all over again. This time he numbs the top of my breast near the breast bone. The biopsy needle starts going in... and I yelped... tears fill my eyes...
IT AIN'T NUMB YET DUMBASS! GAWD!
I get through the 2nd biopsy and the doctor asks me if I want to continue... Ummm. YES! Because there is no way in hell I'm coming back anytime soon to undergo this masochistic procedure again!
Let me remind you, I'm still compressed and haven't moved for nearly 2 hours. The nurse starts the computer data collection, the doctor numbs me again... but as I was lying there I could feel a panic attack coming on... I can't jump up and run... unless I want my boob ripped off! What am I going to do??? Breathing... deep breath...
LORD HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS PLEASE!
Then I close my eyes and I see the beautiful bald women from the waiting room. What am I complaining for? Suck it up!
Before I knew it the procedure was done... my boob was finally released from prison. I tried to sit up but I had this sharp pain in my ribs because I had laid there so long compressed against the hard bed. I'm whoozy...
Hey!...why is blood coming through the bandage?
I had to lie there for 30 more minutes while the nurse puts pressure on my boob to try and stop the bleeding. She makes small talk and informs me that there are titanium chips inserted in my boob to mark each mass. GREAT... now I'm going to set off metal detectors... No really Mister... it's my boob! Wanna see???
She finally gets the bleeding to stop and then walks me over to the "smash" machine again...
YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFIN' KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU ON GLUE?
So I'm smashed again. Then she tapes ice packs to my boob and sends me on my way. "Excuse me"... I say... "but where's my DRUGS?" The nurse says "You may take non-aspirin pain reliever." Tears fill my eyes again. I want my mommy!
I get home...having made arrangements for my daughter to be picked up (I hadn't informed her of anything because she is already a worrier... we don't need 2 of us losing it do we?) I try to rest, but my boob feels like electrodes are hooked up to it. I go in to the bathroom and take a look under the bandages. OMG! I was shocked! My boob looked like it had been stabbed 3 times by an ice pick and beat by a baseball bat. OH Shit!... I can't hide this from her... my right boob is twice the size of the left!
My daughter calls me around 5:50pm and asked what time I was picking her up for her open house at school that starts at 6pm? I haven't missed one and as much as I didn't want to go... I couldn't disappoint her. I pick her up and try to find parking but have to park on the next block. She's oblivious to my pain and exhaustion and keeps saying "Hurry up MOM!"
When we get home, I sit her down and talked to her about the procedure, why it was necessary, and about breast cancer. She asked if I was going to die... I'm still tearing up at that question... what do you say? Well, I say there are lots of new medications and treatment options and will do all I can to be here for a very long time. I even made her laugh... I told her if I lost all my hair, she could pick out a wig for me to wear. Wait... maybe I should rethink this... I don't want to end up wearing a Hanna Montana wig!
The week waiting for the results was exhausting. I find I have no patience at work. I'm usually happy-go-lucky...but I went off on our anal/OCD Fiscal Officer... then completely broke down in my office. My boss came in and tried to comfort me. I normally handle the workload I've been dealt, but I felt completely overwhelmed. She agreed to re-assign the Fiscal assignments that I have been covering (even though they are full staffed!), and I'm left with all the other tasks that previously required 4... yes FOUR employees to complete before I took over! Being good at what you do isn't always what it's cracked up to be! So Fiscal got their assignments back, the Fiscal Office keeps her distance... but I'm now mortified that I broke a cardinal sin...crying at work! Yet pissy because I don't want them to mess up their work that I was managing... CONTROL FREAK IS IN THE HOUSE!
I finally received my results... NEGATIVE!
Thank you Lord!
I do have to go in every 6-months for smashing...and I pray I don't have to go through anymore biopsies... It's been 4-months and my boob is still sensitive. Just take the damn things out...ok! But I have small boobies, so removing 3 masses would leave my breast scarred and misshapen (more than normal). They would have to do reconstructive surgery... I want breast augmentation... but not this way!
The plastic surgery plans are on hold for now... because of the masses and because of my decision to buy a house... the self-imposed stressor! More on this in another post.
I'll finish with this...Just because you can't feel a lump, don't think you're in the clear. Be brave and have a mammogram...each and every year! Your life depends on it!
Well, besides the whole avoidance of dealing with my feelings, I was going through stressful situations...most of which I had no control over (which really pisses off control freaks like me) and one self-imposed stresser... of course!
Right around the time I broke my resolution, I received word that my mammogram (which was the last appointment on New Year's Eve... what was I thinking?) came back "abnormal." But I don't FEEL anything!
Ok...stay calm...it WAS New Year's Eve and MAYBE the technician was already imbibing and blurred my films. So in February, I went back for a spot compression. If you think mammos hurt... OMG! I thought my boob was going to explode all over the sympathetic yet pain-inflicting tech. She pulled so much of me in to the machine that my feet were practically off the floor! A few weeks later I receive a letter that my spot compression came back "suspicious." Really I can't FEEL a THING!
Breathing...deeply....
Now it's March, and I'm lying on a bed, in a dark room, having my booby massaged with a cold, slimy, instrument. The tech avoids all eye contact with me and speaks not a word until she says, "Excuse me for a moment while I go get another tech. I need another set of eyes to see if she sees what I'm seeing."
WHAT?
I'm sneak a peek at the ultrasound, trying to see what she is seeing and I can't make out a thing... looked just like the ultrasound I had when I was 5-months pregnant. The techs come back and began quietly whispering to each other. Then the first tech touches my bare shoulder and says, "I'm all through... Have a nice day."
Like that was going to happen...NOW!
I obsessed analyzing her words, tone, and body language... and I was making myself nuts! Two weeks go by, figuring no news is good news, I began to relax a little. Then the letter came saying that my ultra-sound came back as "worrisome"!
Let's review shall we... abnormal, suspicious, now worrisome? PLUS...now there are TWO masses that are "worrisome"! WTF?
I was scheduled for a stereo tactic core biopsy for the following week. I'm terrified. The night before the biopsy I was researching all I could...reading all the symptoms of breast cancer and freaking out. Note: DO NOT DO THIS! Unless you have been diagnosed with a condition or disease, forgo the quest for knowledge. You will believe you have every symptom in the book! I was sobbing so much that I thought I was going to short circuit the keyboard!
Now if you've never had this type of biopsy, then let me give you the scoop... there's just gotta be a different way to complete this procedure! NOTE: DO NOT CANCEL YOUR BIOPSY IF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU FREAKS YOU THE HELL OUT! JUST GO HAVE IT DONE. I SURVIVED IT AND SO CAN YOU!
I arrive at the hospital, check-in, and sit in the waiting room with my parents because they refused to let me go by myself. I'm sitting there looking at other women... wondering if they are feeling the same fear as me. Then this beautiful woman with no hair came in and sat down. I didn't want to stare at her, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking "this could be me" soon. What if? Could I handle this? What about my little girl? But there was something about this woman... so brave! She didn't have the same scared look on her face as some of the others. She knew what she was dealing with and looked like she was determined to kick the cancer's ASS! I pray she does... She doesn't know it, but her brave image and God is what got me through the procedure that day.
The nurse, JoAnn, a tiny but feisty nurse, called me back. I have another ultrasound. Then the nurse tapes 2 metal markers on my boob and walks me over to the "smash" machine for yet another mammo. She then takes me to the room where the doctor will perform the biopsy. What I found strange was that the bed was way up high... but why?
So the doctor who is young enough for me to be his teenage momma, came in and reviewed the films. I inquired about the 3 circled areas. He responded "Oh yes, we found another mass (I SAID I DON'T FEEL A THING!)... it's up to you whether you want to undergo 3 biopsies in one day." He says the most he's ever done is 4 in one day. Well shoot, if someone can handle 4 why the hell couldn't I handle 3?
Ummm yeah... I am strong...hear me.... yell out in pain!
So then the nurse pulls up a step ladder and tells me to climb up, expose my boob and then let it fall through the hole in the table. I must of had a confused look on my face, trying to figure out how the hell they were going to reach my boob through the hole. I'm in between an A and B cup! She said "Don't worry honey, gravity will pull it down. Just lay down on your tummy and I'll do the rest." So I make the climb, lay down with my head resting on a folded sheet...right arm above my head and the left at my side.
Ok, you have to get a mental picture of this bed. Think of a car up on a lift and a mechanic working on it below. Hmmm... if were a car... what would I be?
The nurse is short enough so she doesn't have to duck. She then grabs my boob and pulls it down...
HEY! LET THE GRAVITY DO ITS THANG DAMMIT!
What she failed to tell me is that not only will gravity pull my booby down, it's also going to be imprisoned the entire time in the "smash" machine! I can't move AT ALL! Nor do I want to because while I'm lying there a computer is collecting data so it can guide the needle to the masses. I don't want the data to be wrong and have the needle miss its targets! The data collection takes about 2o minutes. Next the doctor comes in and gives me a shot to numb my breast. Then the computer begins poking me and I can feel little pinches as the needle extracts tissue samples. This takes about 10-15 minutes. Then the doctor says Ok... I think..Yay me! That wasn't too bad!
Well let me tell you where my thinking was wrong! The doc says "Let's move on to the next mass.
WHAAAAAT!
So the procedure starts all over again. This time he numbs the top of my breast near the breast bone. The biopsy needle starts going in... and I yelped... tears fill my eyes...
IT AIN'T NUMB YET DUMBASS! GAWD!
I get through the 2nd biopsy and the doctor asks me if I want to continue... Ummm. YES! Because there is no way in hell I'm coming back anytime soon to undergo this masochistic procedure again!
Let me remind you, I'm still compressed and haven't moved for nearly 2 hours. The nurse starts the computer data collection, the doctor numbs me again... but as I was lying there I could feel a panic attack coming on... I can't jump up and run... unless I want my boob ripped off! What am I going to do??? Breathing... deep breath...
LORD HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS PLEASE!
Then I close my eyes and I see the beautiful bald women from the waiting room. What am I complaining for? Suck it up!
Before I knew it the procedure was done... my boob was finally released from prison. I tried to sit up but I had this sharp pain in my ribs because I had laid there so long compressed against the hard bed. I'm whoozy...
Hey!...why is blood coming through the bandage?
I had to lie there for 30 more minutes while the nurse puts pressure on my boob to try and stop the bleeding. She makes small talk and informs me that there are titanium chips inserted in my boob to mark each mass. GREAT... now I'm going to set off metal detectors... No really Mister... it's my boob! Wanna see???
She finally gets the bleeding to stop and then walks me over to the "smash" machine again...
YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFIN' KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU ON GLUE?
So I'm smashed again. Then she tapes ice packs to my boob and sends me on my way. "Excuse me"... I say... "but where's my DRUGS?" The nurse says "You may take non-aspirin pain reliever." Tears fill my eyes again. I want my mommy!
I get home...having made arrangements for my daughter to be picked up (I hadn't informed her of anything because she is already a worrier... we don't need 2 of us losing it do we?) I try to rest, but my boob feels like electrodes are hooked up to it. I go in to the bathroom and take a look under the bandages. OMG! I was shocked! My boob looked like it had been stabbed 3 times by an ice pick and beat by a baseball bat. OH Shit!... I can't hide this from her... my right boob is twice the size of the left!
My daughter calls me around 5:50pm and asked what time I was picking her up for her open house at school that starts at 6pm? I haven't missed one and as much as I didn't want to go... I couldn't disappoint her. I pick her up and try to find parking but have to park on the next block. She's oblivious to my pain and exhaustion and keeps saying "Hurry up MOM!"
When we get home, I sit her down and talked to her about the procedure, why it was necessary, and about breast cancer. She asked if I was going to die... I'm still tearing up at that question... what do you say? Well, I say there are lots of new medications and treatment options and will do all I can to be here for a very long time. I even made her laugh... I told her if I lost all my hair, she could pick out a wig for me to wear. Wait... maybe I should rethink this... I don't want to end up wearing a Hanna Montana wig!
The week waiting for the results was exhausting. I find I have no patience at work. I'm usually happy-go-lucky...but I went off on our anal/OCD Fiscal Officer... then completely broke down in my office. My boss came in and tried to comfort me. I normally handle the workload I've been dealt, but I felt completely overwhelmed. She agreed to re-assign the Fiscal assignments that I have been covering (even though they are full staffed!), and I'm left with all the other tasks that previously required 4... yes FOUR employees to complete before I took over! Being good at what you do isn't always what it's cracked up to be! So Fiscal got their assignments back, the Fiscal Office keeps her distance... but I'm now mortified that I broke a cardinal sin...crying at work! Yet pissy because I don't want them to mess up their work that I was managing... CONTROL FREAK IS IN THE HOUSE!
I finally received my results... NEGATIVE!
Thank you Lord!
I do have to go in every 6-months for smashing...and I pray I don't have to go through anymore biopsies... It's been 4-months and my boob is still sensitive. Just take the damn things out...ok! But I have small boobies, so removing 3 masses would leave my breast scarred and misshapen (more than normal). They would have to do reconstructive surgery... I want breast augmentation... but not this way!
The plastic surgery plans are on hold for now... because of the masses and because of my decision to buy a house... the self-imposed stressor! More on this in another post.
I'll finish with this...Just because you can't feel a lump, don't think you're in the clear. Be brave and have a mammogram...each and every year! Your life depends on it!
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