Each time I think about "why I haven't blogged", I write a great post in my head... it's wonderful, insightful... but then when I finally log in, I sit in stare at a blank screen for awhile, tyring to remember the amazing post.... but nothing.  Then is slowly reappears...but it's never as fabulous as it was in my head.  I guess that's what happens to most of us... our dreams are better than reality... girls dreaming about prom, their wedding day, marriage, children.... life.

My emotions are threatening to spill over today.  I know it's because I'm extremely hormonal today.  I've let a few tears flow...but I always seem to stop them...  God forbid if I feel anything. 

I know I need to make some changes in my life that has been so stagnant for 4 years.   I've been shutting people out of my life...making excuses in which I'm am so outstanding!  I just don't feel like me... or maybe I feel too much like the old me, that I'm too embarrassed to be around people who knew the "new" me... or worse...knows both.  I don't even feel like "Queen" anymore.  The pretty face is bloated and feeling old.

What have I done to myself...again.  Or more accurate...why?  The million dollar question that seems to never be answered.  I let myself become my old self again...and I hate it...disgusted...so much so that I feel so buried and don't know how to get out... even though I've done it before.  I just don't seem to have the energy.  I know writing this is a step in the right direction.

I've had some changes handed to me.  I wasn't happy about it and I'm still adjusting, but I know in the long run, it will benefit me...force me to focus on myself again.  I did reapply to take some classes...something I haven't done in 4 years.  I'm excited to exercise my brain again.  Now, I need to exercise my body.

Priorities can be forced upon you...but it's so much better when you can make your own list...especially when you are a control freak.  I guess when you hide or become indifferent that what happens. 

Time to get the shovel, get myself out of this dark hole and grab a pen and paper... I'm making a list!