What Happen Was...

So why no blogging for 9 mos?

Well, besides the whole avoidance of dealing with my feelings, I was going through stressful situations...most of which I had no control over (which really pisses off control freaks like me) and one self-imposed stresser... of course!


Right around the time I broke my resolution, I received word that my mammogram (which was the last appointment on New Year's Eve... what was I thinking?) came back "abnormal." But I don't FEEL anything!

Ok...stay calm...it WAS New Year's Eve and MAYBE the technician was already imbibing and blurred my films. So in February, I went back for a spot compression. If you think mammos hurt... OMG! I thought my boob was going to explode all over the sympathetic yet pain-inflicting tech. She pulled so much of me in to the machine that my feet were practically off the floor! A few weeks later I receive a letter that my spot compression came back "suspicious." Really I can't FEEL a THING!

Breathing...deeply....

Now it's March, and I'm lying on a bed, in a dark room, having my booby massaged with a cold, slimy, instrument. The tech avoids all eye contact with me and speaks not a word until she says, "Excuse me for a moment while I go get another tech. I need another set of eyes to see if she sees what I'm seeing."

WHAT?

I'm sneak a peek at the ultrasound, trying to see what she is seeing and I can't make out a thing... looked just like the ultrasound I had when I was 5-months pregnant. The techs come back and began quietly whispering to each other. Then the first tech touches my bare shoulder and says, "I'm all through... Have a nice day."

Like that was going to happen...NOW!

I obsessed analyzing her words, tone, and body language... and I was making myself nuts! Two weeks go by, figuring no news is good news, I began to relax a little. Then the letter came saying that my ultra-sound came back as "worrisome"!

Let's review shall we... abnormal, suspicious, now worrisome? PLUS...now there are TWO masses that are "worrisome"! WTF?

I was scheduled for a stereo tactic core biopsy for the following week. I'm terrified. The night before the biopsy I was researching all I could...reading all the symptoms of breast cancer and freaking out. Note: DO NOT DO THIS! Unless you have been diagnosed with a condition or disease, forgo the quest for knowledge. You will believe you have every symptom in the book! I was sobbing so much that I thought I was going to short circuit the keyboard!

Now if you've never had this type of biopsy, then let me give you the scoop... there's just gotta be a different way to complete this procedure! NOTE: DO NOT CANCEL YOUR BIOPSY IF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU FREAKS YOU THE HELL OUT! JUST GO HAVE IT DONE. I SURVIVED IT AND SO CAN YOU!

I arrive at the hospital, check-in, and sit in the waiting room with my parents because they refused to let me go by myself. I'm sitting there looking at other women... wondering if they are feeling the same fear as me. Then this beautiful woman with no hair came in and sat down. I didn't want to stare at her, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking "this could be me" soon. What if? Could I handle this? What about my little girl? But there was something about this woman... so brave! She didn't have the same scared look on her face as some of the others. She knew what she was dealing with and looked like she was determined to kick the cancer's ASS! I pray she does... She doesn't know it, but her brave image and God is what got me through the procedure that day.

The nurse, JoAnn, a tiny but feisty nurse, called me back. I have another ultrasound. Then the nurse tapes 2 metal markers on my boob and walks me over to the "smash" machine for yet another mammo. She then takes me to the room where the doctor will perform the biopsy. What I found strange was that the bed was way up high... but why?

So the doctor who is young enough for me to be his teenage momma, came in and reviewed the films. I inquired about the 3 circled areas. He responded "Oh yes, we found another mass (I SAID I DON'T FEEL A THING!)... it's up to you whether you want to undergo 3 biopsies in one day." He says the most he's ever done is 4 in one day. Well shoot, if someone can handle 4 why the hell couldn't I handle 3?

Ummm yeah... I am strong...hear me.... yell out in pain!

So then the nurse pulls up a step ladder and tells me to climb up, expose my boob and then let it fall through the hole in the table. I must of had a confused look on my face, trying to figure out how the hell they were going to reach my boob through the hole. I'm in between an A and B cup! She said "Don't worry honey, gravity will pull it down. Just lay down on your tummy and I'll do the rest." So I make the climb, lay down with my head resting on a folded sheet...right arm above my head and the left at my side.

Ok, you have to get a mental picture of this bed. Think of a car up on a lift and a mechanic working on it below. Hmmm... if were a car... what would I be?

The nurse is short enough so she doesn't have to duck. She then grabs my boob and pulls it down...

HEY! LET THE GRAVITY DO ITS THANG DAMMIT!

What she failed to tell me is that not only will gravity pull my booby down, it's also going to be imprisoned the entire time in the "smash" machine! I can't move AT ALL! Nor do I want to because while I'm lying there a computer is collecting data so it can guide the needle to the masses. I don't want the data to be wrong and have the needle miss its targets! The data collection takes about 2o minutes. Next the doctor comes in and gives me a shot to numb my breast. Then the computer begins poking me and I can feel little pinches as the needle extracts tissue samples. This takes about 10-15 minutes. Then the doctor says Ok... I think..Yay me! That wasn't too bad!

Well let me tell you where my thinking was wrong! The doc says "Let's move on to the next mass.

WHAAAAAT!

So the procedure starts all over again. This time he numbs the top of my breast near the breast bone. The biopsy needle starts going in... and I yelped... tears fill my eyes...

IT AIN'T NUMB YET DUMBASS! GAWD!

I get through the 2nd biopsy and the doctor asks me if I want to continue... Ummm. YES! Because there is no way in hell I'm coming back anytime soon to undergo this masochistic procedure again!

Let me remind you, I'm still compressed and haven't moved for nearly 2 hours. The nurse starts the computer data collection, the doctor numbs me again... but as I was lying there I could feel a panic attack coming on... I can't jump up and run... unless I want my boob ripped off! What am I going to do??? Breathing... deep breath...

LORD HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS PLEASE!

Then I close my eyes and I see the beautiful bald women from the waiting room. What am I complaining for? Suck it up!

Before I knew it the procedure was done... my boob was finally released from prison. I tried to sit up but I had this sharp pain in my ribs because I had laid there so long compressed against the hard bed. I'm whoozy...

Hey!...why is blood coming through the bandage?

I had to lie there for 30 more minutes while the nurse puts pressure on my boob to try and stop the bleeding. She makes small talk and informs me that there are titanium chips inserted in my boob to mark each mass. GREAT... now I'm going to set off metal detectors... No really Mister... it's my boob! Wanna see???

She finally gets the bleeding to stop and then walks me over to the "smash" machine again...

YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFIN' KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU ON GLUE?

So I'm smashed again. Then she tapes ice packs to my boob and sends me on my way. "Excuse me"... I say... "but where's my DRUGS?" The nurse says "You may take non-aspirin pain reliever." Tears fill my eyes again. I want my mommy!

I get home...having made arrangements for my daughter to be picked up (I hadn't informed her of anything because she is already a worrier... we don't need 2 of us losing it do we?) I try to rest, but my boob feels like electrodes are hooked up to it. I go in to the bathroom and take a look under the bandages. OMG! I was shocked! My boob looked like it had been stabbed 3 times by an ice pick and beat by a baseball bat. OH Shit!... I can't hide this from her... my right boob is twice the size of the left!

My daughter calls me around 5:50pm and asked what time I was picking her up for her open house at school that starts at 6pm? I haven't missed one and as much as I didn't want to go... I couldn't disappoint her. I pick her up and try to find parking but have to park on the next block. She's oblivious to my pain and exhaustion and keeps saying "Hurry up MOM!"

When we get home, I sit her down and talked to her about the procedure, why it was necessary, and about breast cancer. She asked if I was going to die... I'm still tearing up at that question... what do you say? Well, I say there are lots of new medications and treatment options and will do all I can to be here for a very long time. I even made her laugh... I told her if I lost all my hair, she could pick out a wig for me to wear. Wait... maybe I should rethink this... I don't want to end up wearing a Hanna Montana wig!

The week waiting for the results was exhausting. I find I have no patience at work. I'm usually happy-go-lucky...but I went off on our anal/OCD Fiscal Officer... then completely broke down in my office. My boss came in and tried to comfort me. I normally handle the workload I've been dealt, but I felt completely overwhelmed. She agreed to re-assign the Fiscal assignments that I have been covering (even though they are full staffed!), and I'm left with all the other tasks that previously required 4... yes FOUR employees to complete before I took over! Being good at what you do isn't always what it's cracked up to be! So Fiscal got their assignments back, the Fiscal Office keeps her distance... but I'm now mortified that I broke a cardinal sin...crying at work! Yet pissy because I don't want them to mess up their work that I was managing... CONTROL FREAK IS IN THE HOUSE!

I finally received my results... NEGATIVE!

Thank you Lord!

I do have to go in every 6-months for smashing...and I pray I don't have to go through anymore biopsies... It's been 4-months and my boob is still sensitive. Just take the damn things out...ok! But I have small boobies, so removing 3 masses would leave my breast scarred and misshapen (more than normal). They would have to do reconstructive surgery... I want breast augmentation... but not this way!

The plastic surgery plans are on hold for now... because of the masses and because of my decision to buy a house... the self-imposed stressor! More on this in another post.

I'll finish with this...Just because you can't feel a lump, don't think you're in the clear. Be brave and have a mammogram...each and every year! Your life depends on it!

Look Who's Blogging Again!

I'm baaaaaaaack! Let's see...it's been almost 9 months since I last blogged... which was coincidentally right around the time I broke my New Year's Resolution... again. At least I'm consistent!

So what's moving me to blog again, you say? Well I was bored this summer and decided while my daughter was away on vacation with my baby daddy, I would pick up an actual book to read... not a magazine, but a real book. I was at Target for my weekly visit (my favorite store) and found this book with a different looking cover. I tend to judge a book by its cover ya know... like you don't! It was an outline of a purple bra and pantie... with a title that spoke to me... "Such a Pretty Fat" by Jen Lancaster. She started out as a blogger and soon moved to writing her memoirs. Let me tell you... Jen is freakin' hysterical. She is my long lost sister... my alter ego and would love her to be my new bff! lol She says and does everything that I think and write about... but am too chickenshit to draw that much attention to myself.... or have people say "Look at the AFG (Angry Fat Girl!)" I wish I had just an ounce of her fabulousness and confidence!

Seriously, if you want to see what I'm talking about...pick-up her book and the 2 others she has written... "Bitter is the New Black" and "Bright Lights Big Ass." If you aren't quite sure you want to make a purchase yet... go read her blog - www.jennsylvania.com for free and I'll bet you'll be at Target buying her books!

So Jen... Thank you... (like she's gonna read this!) I'm getting back to what I enjoy... bloggin' my thoughts... and maybe, just maybe, one day soon I'll find myself to be just as fabulous!

The Holidays.... now the never ending Birthday!

Gaaaaaaah! So the last few days have been a diet disaster! I know for the past 12 yrs that trying to stay on a diet resoloution the first week or two of the year is extremely difficult because of my daughter's birthday. It's celebrated several times over... with family, with me, at school, and then the birthday party usually follows a week or two after that. This year I thought ahead of time and had her send out invitations before Christmas break, that way the party could be celebrated the first weekend after her birthday/return back from vacation. Poor kid... sucks to have a birthday right after the holidays! All of these celebrations makes for a dieting nightmare for me!

Friday was a nightmare starting with getting freaking PO'd waiting 3 hours at the hospital for my daughter to see the Opthmalogist! So by lunch we were famished, cranky, and meeting family... not a great combination! I ordered blackened Mahi Mahi tacos... but chose the hushpuppies instead of the steamed veggies... WHY???

Saturday started out well... went to the gym and had a great workout, but then got stir crazy because of the rain. Went to the mall with friends... had a salad.... dressing on the side, diet coke and fried zuchinni... ahhhhh... Then went back to her house, more friends joined.... ate 3 slices of pizza and 5 oatmeal raisin cookies.

Sunday.... 2 pancakes with low cal syrup.... Subway sandwhich for dinner... then the big binge.... baked 48 cupcakes with homemade buttercream frosting for my daughter's class. Cake batter and buttercream frosting.... geezus, what was I doing???? I know I can't resist cake batter and frosting!

So it shouldn't be such a shock to anyone that the scale was up 3 lbs this morning! I initially tried to do the whole justification thought process... hmmmm... well haven't had a BM in several days.... periods due soon. Then I stopped myself and said "no... it's because I binged and this is the consequence.... deal with it." So today was fine.... but had ice cream tonite with my daughter for her birthday. Small serving with chocolate sauce.... caught myself rummaging through the cupboard for more chocolate.... so here I am... keeping my fingers busy. Well at least one good thing about eating ice cream... it got me going again (a slight lactose intolerant!) lol Feeling a little less puffy!

Sooooo.... I will go to the gym tomorrow night and plan now for food alternatives for the b-day party this weekend.

Happy Birthday my sweet baby girl!

Personal Trainer

So for Christmas this year my brothers and I decided to rebel against the practice of gift giving by drawing names... we all end up with $50 gift cards to stores or restaurants where don't typically shop or eat. Last year I received a gift card for Victoria's Secret... WTF? I have never bought anything, not even perfume from VS! I know the thought was there that I could use the card after I have surgery, but for now the card along with others are taking up residence in my wallet. Thank goodness Calif has a law against gift card penalties!

So as I was saying, we decided, much to my mother's disliking, that instead of drawing names, each person would spend $50 on themselves and then at Christmas dinner tell everyone what we bought and why.

Right after we announced our decision (Thanksgiving), I received and email from my gym offering a PT special - 5 sessions for $49.99! A sign! Perfect!

Well, session 1 was entirely paperwork... measurement, weight, body-fat %, etc. Session 2 was upper body... easy. Session 3 kicked my ass.... squats & lunges! I knew he would throw those moves into the mix! I couldn't move for 3 days! I had my 4th session last night. Upper body again, but different moves. Sore today, but not bad. Had a great cardio workout as well.

What's bad is that I feel like I'm coming down with a cold today! Why does this happen everytime I start back at the gym??? I'm resting tonite... drinking hot tea and sipping broth. My food intake has been within limits (1200 calories). I even lost a 1/2 lb from yesterday. I have posted my weight, etc. yet... I'll get the data from my trainer and I'll post current measurements and weight each Saturday. I'm trying hard to stay off of the scale in between.

Session 5 is scheduled for a week from Saturday. This will be the last session (not spending $1500 for an additional 20 sessions.... are they on glue?) Besides, I know what to do. I worked out extensively for 2 years - 6-7 days a week. I got the PT just to get me back in on a regular basis. I love working out.... just need to make it a priority in my schedule... but not let it become such a priority that my eating disorder kicks in and I get back into calorie defict issues. More on that later............... Going to crawl back under my new, hand-made blanket I received for Christmas from my bff. Have a great evening.... tomorrow is FRIDAY!!

Being Queen....

So what does it mean to be Queen? Well, "Queen of the Pretty Faces" is a term my best friend uses to describe those of us who have "such a pretty face", where "if only you would lose weight" typically follows. It's the opposite of being a "Butter-face"! We're "butter-bods!"

Yes, I need to lose 40lbs. Last year this time it was only 20lbs.... a few years back I was at goal.... several years beyond that I had 100lbs to lose. Maybe I should be Queen of the Yo-Yo Sisterhood???

I've been in therapy for eating disorders. I go from binging-sans-purging (2007) to counting every calorie going in and then making sure I burn off every calorie at the gym (2001-2002 & 2006). I've been as high at 236 and as low as 114lbs... I'm 5'3" so 114lbs was skinny but not emaciated. I would have kept going, but my family intervened.

I had my "ah-ha" moment in 2006 where I made the connection of why I have an eating disorder. I'm sure it's the same as most... emotional needs not being met at a child. That was a powerful moment to make that connection. It felt as if the weight of the world was lifted... but it wasn't a cure. Now I have to learn to manage my triggers. Family... relationships.... stress... quitting smoking.

Last year encompassed all of these these triggers. Lots of time spent with family taking care of a family member dying of cancer.... dealing with death, quitting smoking... all of this added up to a 20lb. weight gain by Thanksgiving. Oh yeah... I turned 40 last year as well!

I know when I write I'm dealing with emotions.... keeping myself busy and my fingers from reaching in to the chip bag... and for a cigarette. So I'm testing if blogging is a way to manage my triggers that lead to binging an/or starving myself.

Alright... enough history. I don't want to dwell on past failures... they're only useful to analyze on what to do differently in the future!

Off to go get ready for the gym!

Happy New.... Day!

Yeah for 2008. 2007 is over... some good times and some bad... but it's over! Funny what transpires in us at 12:00am January 1st isn't it? It's as if in a single second, life is once again anew. This year I'm saying that everyday is January 1st... or at least treat everyday as if it were the start of something new!

I'll be quick on this post... I'm tired and have to return back to work in the morning after being off on the only vacation I took in 2007! Hmmm... need to reassess that don't you think!

My goals for this year are to lose 40 lbs and have the tummy tuck and breast augmentation I've been planning for the past year. I will blog my progess towards the surgery - tentatively planned for the end of June. I'll post before pics and measurements for tangible aids towards my goal.

So I have less than 6 months to lose 40 lbs. I will lose the weight by working out 5-6 days a week (either at the gym or at home) and eating healthy. I must succeed at losing the weight in order to have the surgery in June.

So 1 day down... and a lifetime of good health to go!

Good night and remember... tomorrow is the start of something new!