What Happen Was...

So why no blogging for 9 mos?

Well, besides the whole avoidance of dealing with my feelings, I was going through stressful situations...most of which I had no control over (which really pisses off control freaks like me) and one self-imposed stresser... of course!


Right around the time I broke my resolution, I received word that my mammogram (which was the last appointment on New Year's Eve... what was I thinking?) came back "abnormal." But I don't FEEL anything!

Ok...stay calm...it WAS New Year's Eve and MAYBE the technician was already imbibing and blurred my films. So in February, I went back for a spot compression. If you think mammos hurt... OMG! I thought my boob was going to explode all over the sympathetic yet pain-inflicting tech. She pulled so much of me in to the machine that my feet were practically off the floor! A few weeks later I receive a letter that my spot compression came back "suspicious." Really I can't FEEL a THING!

Breathing...deeply....

Now it's March, and I'm lying on a bed, in a dark room, having my booby massaged with a cold, slimy, instrument. The tech avoids all eye contact with me and speaks not a word until she says, "Excuse me for a moment while I go get another tech. I need another set of eyes to see if she sees what I'm seeing."

WHAT?

I'm sneak a peek at the ultrasound, trying to see what she is seeing and I can't make out a thing... looked just like the ultrasound I had when I was 5-months pregnant. The techs come back and began quietly whispering to each other. Then the first tech touches my bare shoulder and says, "I'm all through... Have a nice day."

Like that was going to happen...NOW!

I obsessed analyzing her words, tone, and body language... and I was making myself nuts! Two weeks go by, figuring no news is good news, I began to relax a little. Then the letter came saying that my ultra-sound came back as "worrisome"!

Let's review shall we... abnormal, suspicious, now worrisome? PLUS...now there are TWO masses that are "worrisome"! WTF?

I was scheduled for a stereo tactic core biopsy for the following week. I'm terrified. The night before the biopsy I was researching all I could...reading all the symptoms of breast cancer and freaking out. Note: DO NOT DO THIS! Unless you have been diagnosed with a condition or disease, forgo the quest for knowledge. You will believe you have every symptom in the book! I was sobbing so much that I thought I was going to short circuit the keyboard!

Now if you've never had this type of biopsy, then let me give you the scoop... there's just gotta be a different way to complete this procedure! NOTE: DO NOT CANCEL YOUR BIOPSY IF WHAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU FREAKS YOU THE HELL OUT! JUST GO HAVE IT DONE. I SURVIVED IT AND SO CAN YOU!

I arrive at the hospital, check-in, and sit in the waiting room with my parents because they refused to let me go by myself. I'm sitting there looking at other women... wondering if they are feeling the same fear as me. Then this beautiful woman with no hair came in and sat down. I didn't want to stare at her, but I couldn't help it. I kept thinking "this could be me" soon. What if? Could I handle this? What about my little girl? But there was something about this woman... so brave! She didn't have the same scared look on her face as some of the others. She knew what she was dealing with and looked like she was determined to kick the cancer's ASS! I pray she does... She doesn't know it, but her brave image and God is what got me through the procedure that day.

The nurse, JoAnn, a tiny but feisty nurse, called me back. I have another ultrasound. Then the nurse tapes 2 metal markers on my boob and walks me over to the "smash" machine for yet another mammo. She then takes me to the room where the doctor will perform the biopsy. What I found strange was that the bed was way up high... but why?

So the doctor who is young enough for me to be his teenage momma, came in and reviewed the films. I inquired about the 3 circled areas. He responded "Oh yes, we found another mass (I SAID I DON'T FEEL A THING!)... it's up to you whether you want to undergo 3 biopsies in one day." He says the most he's ever done is 4 in one day. Well shoot, if someone can handle 4 why the hell couldn't I handle 3?

Ummm yeah... I am strong...hear me.... yell out in pain!

So then the nurse pulls up a step ladder and tells me to climb up, expose my boob and then let it fall through the hole in the table. I must of had a confused look on my face, trying to figure out how the hell they were going to reach my boob through the hole. I'm in between an A and B cup! She said "Don't worry honey, gravity will pull it down. Just lay down on your tummy and I'll do the rest." So I make the climb, lay down with my head resting on a folded sheet...right arm above my head and the left at my side.

Ok, you have to get a mental picture of this bed. Think of a car up on a lift and a mechanic working on it below. Hmmm... if were a car... what would I be?

The nurse is short enough so she doesn't have to duck. She then grabs my boob and pulls it down...

HEY! LET THE GRAVITY DO ITS THANG DAMMIT!

What she failed to tell me is that not only will gravity pull my booby down, it's also going to be imprisoned the entire time in the "smash" machine! I can't move AT ALL! Nor do I want to because while I'm lying there a computer is collecting data so it can guide the needle to the masses. I don't want the data to be wrong and have the needle miss its targets! The data collection takes about 2o minutes. Next the doctor comes in and gives me a shot to numb my breast. Then the computer begins poking me and I can feel little pinches as the needle extracts tissue samples. This takes about 10-15 minutes. Then the doctor says Ok... I think..Yay me! That wasn't too bad!

Well let me tell you where my thinking was wrong! The doc says "Let's move on to the next mass.

WHAAAAAT!

So the procedure starts all over again. This time he numbs the top of my breast near the breast bone. The biopsy needle starts going in... and I yelped... tears fill my eyes...

IT AIN'T NUMB YET DUMBASS! GAWD!

I get through the 2nd biopsy and the doctor asks me if I want to continue... Ummm. YES! Because there is no way in hell I'm coming back anytime soon to undergo this masochistic procedure again!

Let me remind you, I'm still compressed and haven't moved for nearly 2 hours. The nurse starts the computer data collection, the doctor numbs me again... but as I was lying there I could feel a panic attack coming on... I can't jump up and run... unless I want my boob ripped off! What am I going to do??? Breathing... deep breath...

LORD HELP ME GET THROUGH THIS PLEASE!

Then I close my eyes and I see the beautiful bald women from the waiting room. What am I complaining for? Suck it up!

Before I knew it the procedure was done... my boob was finally released from prison. I tried to sit up but I had this sharp pain in my ribs because I had laid there so long compressed against the hard bed. I'm whoozy...

Hey!...why is blood coming through the bandage?

I had to lie there for 30 more minutes while the nurse puts pressure on my boob to try and stop the bleeding. She makes small talk and informs me that there are titanium chips inserted in my boob to mark each mass. GREAT... now I'm going to set off metal detectors... No really Mister... it's my boob! Wanna see???

She finally gets the bleeding to stop and then walks me over to the "smash" machine again...

YOU'VE GOT TO BE EFFIN' KIDDING ME? SERIOUSLY? ARE YOU ON GLUE?

So I'm smashed again. Then she tapes ice packs to my boob and sends me on my way. "Excuse me"... I say... "but where's my DRUGS?" The nurse says "You may take non-aspirin pain reliever." Tears fill my eyes again. I want my mommy!

I get home...having made arrangements for my daughter to be picked up (I hadn't informed her of anything because she is already a worrier... we don't need 2 of us losing it do we?) I try to rest, but my boob feels like electrodes are hooked up to it. I go in to the bathroom and take a look under the bandages. OMG! I was shocked! My boob looked like it had been stabbed 3 times by an ice pick and beat by a baseball bat. OH Shit!... I can't hide this from her... my right boob is twice the size of the left!

My daughter calls me around 5:50pm and asked what time I was picking her up for her open house at school that starts at 6pm? I haven't missed one and as much as I didn't want to go... I couldn't disappoint her. I pick her up and try to find parking but have to park on the next block. She's oblivious to my pain and exhaustion and keeps saying "Hurry up MOM!"

When we get home, I sit her down and talked to her about the procedure, why it was necessary, and about breast cancer. She asked if I was going to die... I'm still tearing up at that question... what do you say? Well, I say there are lots of new medications and treatment options and will do all I can to be here for a very long time. I even made her laugh... I told her if I lost all my hair, she could pick out a wig for me to wear. Wait... maybe I should rethink this... I don't want to end up wearing a Hanna Montana wig!

The week waiting for the results was exhausting. I find I have no patience at work. I'm usually happy-go-lucky...but I went off on our anal/OCD Fiscal Officer... then completely broke down in my office. My boss came in and tried to comfort me. I normally handle the workload I've been dealt, but I felt completely overwhelmed. She agreed to re-assign the Fiscal assignments that I have been covering (even though they are full staffed!), and I'm left with all the other tasks that previously required 4... yes FOUR employees to complete before I took over! Being good at what you do isn't always what it's cracked up to be! So Fiscal got their assignments back, the Fiscal Office keeps her distance... but I'm now mortified that I broke a cardinal sin...crying at work! Yet pissy because I don't want them to mess up their work that I was managing... CONTROL FREAK IS IN THE HOUSE!

I finally received my results... NEGATIVE!

Thank you Lord!

I do have to go in every 6-months for smashing...and I pray I don't have to go through anymore biopsies... It's been 4-months and my boob is still sensitive. Just take the damn things out...ok! But I have small boobies, so removing 3 masses would leave my breast scarred and misshapen (more than normal). They would have to do reconstructive surgery... I want breast augmentation... but not this way!

The plastic surgery plans are on hold for now... because of the masses and because of my decision to buy a house... the self-imposed stressor! More on this in another post.

I'll finish with this...Just because you can't feel a lump, don't think you're in the clear. Be brave and have a mammogram...each and every year! Your life depends on it!