Being Queen....

So what does it mean to be Queen? Well, "Queen of the Pretty Faces" is a term my best friend uses to describe those of us who have "such a pretty face", where "if only you would lose weight" typically follows. It's the opposite of being a "Butter-face"! We're "butter-bods!"

Yes, I need to lose 40lbs. Last year this time it was only 20lbs.... a few years back I was at goal.... several years beyond that I had 100lbs to lose. Maybe I should be Queen of the Yo-Yo Sisterhood???

I've been in therapy for eating disorders. I go from binging-sans-purging (2007) to counting every calorie going in and then making sure I burn off every calorie at the gym (2001-2002 & 2006). I've been as high at 236 and as low as 114lbs... I'm 5'3" so 114lbs was skinny but not emaciated. I would have kept going, but my family intervened.

I had my "ah-ha" moment in 2006 where I made the connection of why I have an eating disorder. I'm sure it's the same as most... emotional needs not being met at a child. That was a powerful moment to make that connection. It felt as if the weight of the world was lifted... but it wasn't a cure. Now I have to learn to manage my triggers. Family... relationships.... stress... quitting smoking.

Last year encompassed all of these these triggers. Lots of time spent with family taking care of a family member dying of cancer.... dealing with death, quitting smoking... all of this added up to a 20lb. weight gain by Thanksgiving. Oh yeah... I turned 40 last year as well!

I know when I write I'm dealing with emotions.... keeping myself busy and my fingers from reaching in to the chip bag... and for a cigarette. So I'm testing if blogging is a way to manage my triggers that lead to binging an/or starving myself.

Alright... enough history. I don't want to dwell on past failures... they're only useful to analyze on what to do differently in the future!

Off to go get ready for the gym!