In the Mood...

Where did it go?  I want to know?  I'm trying to figure it out.  I've checked the Lost and Found, but it's not there. 

No, it's not about sex, although... what I lost does have a negative impact on sex... or at least my desire to have sex.

I'm trying to figure out what exactly motivated me to lose weight over 10 years ago.  I had it...kept it for a few years, but now for the life of me I can't find it.

God had a lot to do with it when I began to lose weight... He also had a lot to do with my weight gain (I'll explain my theory later). 

My divorce and subsequent failed relationships (plural..yes!) all provided me with motivation.  But I don't plan on getting married and divorced anytime soon, or get a boyfriend to break up with me just so I can find motivation again.

I thought, instead of having another failed relationship, if I re-read the journal entries from those painful times, maybe I can find the motivation.  Nope, just made me cry, and I ate.

They say music can bring back certain feelings, so I have been listening to music from the late 90's early 2000's, hoping to find it.  I'm so glad NKOTBSB are touring!

I've rarely been off of any type of appetite suppressants... so that's not the motivation... It just keeps me from eating more than I am now; 

Maybe if I combine the diet pill with Atkins or Sugar Busters diet that worked in the past... but I can't bear to eat all of the meat and cheese again.  Not to mention the lactose intolerance I've developed over the past ten years... so that is definitely NOT a motivation!

This past week, I've had two separate experiences that reminded me of the past.  One was a reunion of sorts with my best friend and her ex-husband, the couple that introduced me to my ex-husband.  Seeing them together was weird... no, it was disturbing.  I had a very, VERY brief moment thinking about my ex... then I began to nauseous....  Being nauseous does a body good... at least I didn't have the desire to eat!

The second experience was about two of my one-time close friends who were going through their divorces at the same time.  We used to hit the clubs... partied, sexed it up...  We describe this time as "our crazy time".  Those are long behind us.  Both have remarried.  One I keep in contact with, but not frequently as we used to, and the other, well, let's just say, she hasn't spoken to either one of us in almost 5 years.  Well these women met for dinner over the weekend and the one woman who I have kept in contact with, called to tell me about it and told me to expect a phone call/email from her... eventually.  Whether she calls or not, or if I am the one to reach out as I have been tempted to do so in the past, it got me thinking about those "crazy times"... Dancing...men.... sex... all motivation to keep losing weight.

I believe it was that motivation that was my downfall.  While God gave me the strength to begin the weight loss journey, the devil took control.  I think God said "Listen here Missy... You may have such a pretty face, but your mind and body are doing things that I don't approve...so let's just add 50 lbs back on you and start all over again!"

So here I am God...  I'm in the mood.... for Your Grace.  I promise to try and get it right this time!